Finding “The Right One” for Marriage

Finding “The Right One” for Marriage

Many people have asked me, “How do I know I’ve found the right one?” It is an understandable question. 

Marriage is one of life’s most meaningful commitments, and choosing a spouse affects nearly every part of your future, your home, faith, finances, family, emotional health, and sense of purpose.

But the search for “the right one” can sometimes become a search for a flawless person. No such person exists. A healthier question is: *Am I building a relationship with someone who is willing and able to pursue a strong, faithful, growing marriage with me?*

The right person is not perfect. They are someone whose character, values, and commitment provide a solid foundation for a lifelong partnership.

Look Beyond Chemistry

Attraction matters. Enjoying one another, laughing together, and feeling emotionally connected are meaningful parts of a healthy relationship. But chemistry alone cannot sustain a marriage through stress, disappointment, parenting, career changes, financial pressure, illness, or conflict.

As you consider marriage, pay attention to what is underneath the excitement:

- Do you share core values and a similar vision for your future?

- Can you talk honestly about difficult subjects?

- Does this person take responsibility when they make mistakes?

- Are they kind when they are frustrated, tired, or disappointed?

- Do they respect your boundaries, time, convictions, and relationships?

- Do you feel emotionally safe being honest with them?

A relationship should not require you to hide who you are in order to keep the peace. Healthy love invites honesty, growth, and security.

Character Matters More Than Potential

It is easy to fall in love with someone’s potential. You may see what they could become if they healed, grew up, became more motivated, stopped a harmful habit, or became more committed.

However, marriage should be based primarily on who a person is now, not on who you hope they will become someday.

Ask yourself: “If this person stayed essentially the same for the next ten years, would I still be willing to build a life with them?”

This does not mean people cannot grow. In a good marriage, both spouses will grow. The question is whether the person already demonstrates humility, honesty, responsibility, faithfulness, and a willingness to work on themselves.

Look for patterns, not promises. Everyone can have a good conversation or make a heartfelt apology. Character becomes clear over time through consistent behavior.

Pay Attention to Conflict

Conflict is not proof that you are with the wrong person. Every couple disagrees. The important issue is *how* you handle disagreement together.

A strong marriage needs two people who can address problems without attacking each other. Watch for whether conflict leads to understanding and repair, or to fear, contempt, manipulation, withdrawal, blame, or repeated hurt.

Healthy conflict often includes:

- Listening before responding

- Speaking honestly without insults or threats

- Taking ownership of personal choices

- Apologizing specifically and sincerely

- Being willing to forgive and rebuild trust

- Working toward a solution instead of trying to “win”

If every disagreement leaves you feeling small, confused, afraid, or responsible for the other person’s emotions, do not ignore those concerns. Love should not require you to accept controlling, abusive, deceptive, or degrading behavior.

Shared Direction Creates Stability

Two people can care deeply for one another and still struggle if they are moving in very different directions. Before marriage, talk openly about the areas that shape daily life and long-term decisions.

Important conversations include:

- Faith and spiritual life

- Children and parenting values

- Money, debt, spending, and generosity

- Career expectations and work-life balance

- Sexual boundaries and intimacy

- Relationships with extended family

- Where you want to live

- Conflict styles and emotional needs

- Personal goals, habits, and responsibilities

You do not need to agree on every preference. Differences can add richness to a relationship. But you do need enough unity in your deepest values that you can make major decisions as a team.

Choose Someone Who Chooses You

A healthy marriage is not built on chasing, convincing, fixing, or proving your worth. It is built on mutual willingness.

The right person is not merely someone you admire. They are someone who clearly and consistently chooses you with honesty, respect, and commitment. They make room for you in their life. They follow through. They are willing to have difficult conversations and make decisions that protect the relationship.

Marriage works best when both people can say, “I am committed to loving you well, not only when life is easy, but when love requires sacrifice, patience, courage, and grace.”

Seek Wise Input

When emotions are strong, it can be difficult to see a relationship clearly. Invite wise, trustworthy people into the process, people who care about you, understand healthy relationships, and are willing to tell you the truth with compassion.

Premarital counseling can also be one of the best investments a couple makes. It provides space to discuss expectations, identify strengths, uncover recurring concerns, and develop practical skills before the pressures of marriage intensify.

The goal is not to eliminate every uncertainty. No one can predict every challenge ahead. The goal is to enter marriage with open eyes, mature commitment, shared direction, and the tools to grow together.

The Right One Is a Daily Choice

Finding the right person matters. But becoming the right kind of spouse matters too.

A lasting marriage is not sustained by the belief that you found a perfect match. It is strengthened when two imperfect people repeatedly choose faithfulness, humility, honesty, forgiveness, and intentional love.

Instead of only asking, “Is this the right one for me?” consider asking:

- “Am I becoming a person who can love well?”

- “Can we communicate truthfully and respectfully?”

- “Do we bring out greater maturity, health, and faithfulness in one another?”

- “Are we both willing to do the work a strong marriage requires?”

The right marriage is not simply found. It is built—one honest conversation, one faithful decision, and one intentional day at a time.

Take the Next Step

If you are dating, engaged, or preparing for marriage, you do not have to navigate these important decisions alone. A healthy relationship can be strengthened through honest conversations, practical tools, and wise support.

At The Stronger Life, we are committed to helping individuals and couples build relationships marked by trust, communication, faithfulness, and lasting love.

Visit thestrongerlifemn.org to learn more about marriage coaching and relationship support. To connect or ask about working together, email Matt TheStrongerLife@gmail.com